Time To Say Goodbye
by Adiemus
Summary: A story concerning the future of Will and Lyra's relationship


time to say goodbye

_time to say goodbye_

a song-fic by Adiemus  
lyrics by Sartori and Peterson  
sung by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli

"_if we meet someone that we like, and if we marry them, then we must be good to them, and not make comparisons all the time and wish we were married to each other instead...But just keep up this coming here once a year, just for an hour, just to be together..._"

**London  
beginning of the winter holidays**

_"when I'm alone  
I dream of the horizon  
and words fail me.  
There is no light  
in a room where there is no sun  
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me."_

The headmaster rises. Makes some long-winded announcement about the end of another wonderful year, the beginning of a new one. He always was one for flowery language. I don't bother to listen, because I heard the same speech last year. And the year before. All he ever really changes in his speeches at any annual events are the years involved.

I glance across the room and see Paul. Our eyes meet, and he smiles. He has a nice smile. Like Will's. Is that why I agreed to go to dinner with him last night? Why I spend more time than is probably good for my reputation alone with him? Why I let him kiss me last night just before I went into my dormitories? Because his smile is like Will's_... and not make comparisons all the time..._

**_ a week later_**

_"From every window  
unfurl my heart  
the heart that you have won  
into me you've poured the light  
the light that you found by the side of the road"_

Can I possibly love again, I think as I feel Will's hand in mine? Paul. Paul's hand. What am I thinking, he wants to know? About how beautiful the snow is. I can even make my voice cheerful. Iorek didn't name me Silvertongue without good cause. Can I love anyone but Will? I think I love Paul - but is it really him or his Will-like qualities that I love?

**Another London  
early spring**

_"when you're far away  
I dream of the horizaon  
and words fail me.  
And of course I know that you're with me, with me."_

I'm pulled from my thoughts as Sarah grabs my arm and pulls me down the street. We don't get to London often, and we're more like tourists than anything. She wants my picture in front of Big Ben. I stand by the rail of the low, wide bridge and smile a fake smile, and try not to blink when the flash goes off. The city goes by me in a whirl. Sarah pulls me onto another bus, like an excited little school-child. She's going on about Buckingham Palace now. She doesn't often talk this much. I glance at her, and see her crouching over her map, staring at it intently, like Lyra with the alethiometer. _Lyra_. The name hits me with a jolt. I was doing so well at forgetting. I _want_ to forget. How could memories of her do anything but poison my marriage to Sarah? I will marry Sarah in two months, and I will not let myself ever again compare her to Lyra. Ever. I love Sarah. I do. Just not quite in the same way that I loved Lyra. Sarah's soft and quiet and fragile. That's why I asked her to marry me - there's nothing about her that will ever remind me of Lyra. Lyra was bright and vivid and vivacious and how am I ever going to get her out of my head? Can I possibly spend my life with Sarah without wishing she were more like Lyra?

**Oxford  
Midsummer's Day  
a pleasant garden**

_"you, my moon, you are with me  
my sun, you're here with me  
with me, with me, with me"_

I almost didn't come. I've come evey year since we parted, ever since that last fleeting glimpse of her face. I sholdn't have come. I feel like I'm having an affair. And Sarah is at home with morning-sickness, gorging herself on Chinese, and getting back-rubs from my mother. I have a meeting with Mary at the school, they think. I hate myself. Mary will want to know if I came today. What will I tell her when she asks? Why did I come anyway? I stare at the little bench, pretending I don't miss Lyra. I draw in my breath and sit down.

**Oxford  
Midsummer's Day  
Jordan College**

The clock strikes. I sit down on the little bench and quickly lose myself in memories. Memories and guilt. I can almost feel Paul's - Will's, I tell myself fiercely - presence beside me on the bench, and I know that he's only a world away, and if only we had the knife I could make a quick cut right now, and I could see his face again. And what about Paul? Do I love him because he's like Will? Yes. But he isn't like Will, I realize - I only thought he was at first, because he smiles the same warm, serious smile. But he isn't serious. He's light-hearted and fun, and Will was serious. And I love them both. Not together. I hate myself. Even though I know they're not the same, I still see Will's face every time Paul kisses me. 

**somewhere in between**

_"Places that I've never seen or  
experienced with you  
now I shall"  
_  
_I love you, Lyra.  
  
I love you back, Will.  
  
But I love Sarah, too. In a different way, but I love her too...do you hate me?  
  
I don't hate you. I love you. But I'm going to marry Paul...will you forgive me?  
  
Promise me you'll never try to compare him to me, Lyra. Love Paul as Paul, and love me as me. But don't ruin the rest of your life with him by always pretending he's me.  
  
I - I'll try, Will. Honest I will. And Will - be good to Sarah. Love her for what she is; don't wish she was more like me. _

_Lyra - if we could cut between the worlds right now, what would you do?_

_I - don't know. I love you. But I love Paul too. I can't commit all of myself to both of you. And you can't commit all of yourself to me and Sarah both. What would you do?_

_I think I'd probably go mad and kill myself. I couldn't handle having to choose between the two of you. And I can't belong equally to both of you. I've tried for months. It just doesn't work._

_Then - give all of yourself to Sarah. Save a little corner of your memory for me Will, but - we can't ever be together, and -_

_You...you can commit to Paul. I'll come and feel you near me like this every year, but at least for now, let this part of us sleep._

_Will, I have to go - we've been here an hour. Love Sarah._

_Love Paul, Lyra. And I love you forever - but for now, I...I'll try to relegate you to a fond memory._

_I love you forever, Will. Goodbye. Until next year._

**the pleasant garden**

_"I'll sail with you  
upon ships across the seas  
seas that exist no more  
I'll revive them with you."_

I awake with a start as the clock sounds. I was asleep, but I dreamed of Lyra. Realizing this, I quickly grasp for the receding threads of the dream, but they slip through my fingers like find sand, and all that I'm left with is a sense of peace and an overwhelming desire to return home, take Sarah in my arms, and feel our baby in her stomach between us. The last feeling of Lyra slips away, and I know that somewhere she has gotten up off this very same bench and walked off into Jordan College. I get up and leave the park, knowing that Lyra will always be with me - but for this lifetime, at least, I can love Sarah with my whole self. _Thankyou, Lyra_, I think at the surrounding air. I almost imagine I can hear her response. But the imagining doesn't send me pangs of guilt as it once did. _I love you, Lyra_. Then, _I love you, Sarah_.

"_Time To Say Goodbye  
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you  
now I shall  
I'll sail with you  
upon ships across the seas  
seas that exist no more-"_

_Thankyou, Will. I love you forever. _

_"It's time to say goodbye."_

_   
_


End file.
